You Wouldn’t Be Dead For Quids by Robert G. Barrett

Publisher's Synopsis

As far as fighting went, Les wasn't really a scientific fighter and for all he knew the Marquis of Queensberry could have been a hotel in Parramatta. Whenever Les went off it was anything goes...

Look out Sydney - Les Norton has just hit town!

You Wouldn't Be Dead for Quids is a series of adventures involving Les Norton, a big red-headed country boy from Queensland who is forced to move to the big smoke when things get a little hot for him in his hometown.

Working as a bouncer at an illegal casino up at the Cross, Les gets to meet some of the fascinating characters who make up the seamier side of one of the most exciting cities in the world - gamblers, conmen, bookies, bouncers, hookers and hit men, who ply their respective trades from the golden sands of Bondi to the tainted gutters of Kings Cross...usually on the wrong side of the law.

As raw as a greyhound's dinner, Les is nevertheless a top bloke - fond of a drink, loves a laugh and he's handy with his fists. And, just quietly, he's a bit of a ladies man too...

Les Norton is undoubtedly Australia's latest cult figure.

My Review 

This is the first book of Les Norton adventures by Robert G. Barrett. Les Norton is a strapping red-haired larrikin from the small town of Dirranbandi in Queensland who came down to Sydney to play football for the Eastern Suburbs Roosters. When one thing leads to another, i.e. Les' fist leads to a club official's chin; Les has to pack the footy in and finds himself working as a bouncer on the door of an illegal casino. This is a lightly amusing collection of six short stories that asks us to laugh at the brash Aussie bruiser.

The book is made up of six short stories that take us through a variety of Les Norton's escapades. Common to all of them is a demonstration of Les' pugilistic prowess as well as his knack of landing on his feet no matter how hairy the situation seems.

You Wouldn't Be Dead For Quids : This first story is an introduction to Les Norton explaining how he came to Sydney, got his job as a bounce at an illegal casino called the Kelly Club in Kings Cross. It also gives us a number of colourful examples of his short fuse, the actions of his eyebrows that indicate his growing anger and his fighting ability. All of this is told with a cheeky flair for exaggeration, particularly the fight scenes. It seems that Les Norton never throws a right, it's always a murderous right and a left uppercut doesn't cut it, it's more likely to be an awesome uppercut. The larrikin style is established and gives a fair indication of what is to follow.

A Fortnight In Beirut : The Kelly Club has to close down for a couple of weeks due to a sensitive by-election in the area. This forces a short vacation on Les Norton. So, armed with six dozen cans of beer (Fourex, of course), a box of groceries and a banana chair, he heads up to Terrigal, an hour and a half's drive north of Sydney. He was going to be staying in his boss's holiday house and was looking forward to the break. Break? Hah!! His quiet holiday in Terrigal darn near kills him - and in a way that you would least expect.

Grungle : When Les' brother comes to Sydney to visit he brings along his dog, Grungle, a cross-bull terrier cattle dog, the toughest, hardest dog in Dirranbandi, possibly even of all Queensland. While he's in Sydney you can be sure he will get the opportunity to demonstrate just how tough he is. Les also gets the chance to hit the town with his brother, not to mention the heads of a few cheeky Poms that dare to give the Nortons a bit of lip. This is probably my favourite story of the six with some real dodgy moments that may turn a stomach or two.

Bowen Lager : Les scores a job starring in an ad for Bowen Lager and heads back to his home turf in Queensland where it is to be filmed. While in Queensland he sets about making the most of his time in "God's own country" tying on a big one the first night after bumping into a couple of blokes from Dirranbandi. But the action really hots up during filming of the ad. 200 extras and all the free Bowen Lager you can drink mixed with Les' short temper and willingness to let his fists do the talking is a dangerous mix. The results are far from expected.

Definitely Not A Drop Kick : Les Norton's partner on the door of the Kelly Club is former boxer Billy Dunne. Whenever Billy's wife goes out of town for a few days, Billy has a tendency to play up. On this occasion he convinces Les to go with him to the Mandrake Club, a noted late night pick-up joint, to see if they could pick up a couple of sheilas for the night. Needless to say, both men get a bit more out of the night than they bargained for. For the first time, Les shows us a side other than his insensitive male chauvinistic one, being surprisingly understanding. Is it possible that there's more to him than meets the eye? Actually, there's probably less.

Fishin' For Red Bream : Les is taken out for an offshore fishing trip and although he comes up maddeningly empty in the fish department, he is still able to turn a losing situation into a lucrative venture. This story is the only one in which Les displays a shrewd cunning and an admirable test of nerve, mixing it with some honest to goodness evil killer-types.

Robert G. Barrett has a flair for telling a good yarn with an easy, engaging style that makes no apologies for the outlandishness of the actions and dialogue of the central characters. For it must be said, Les Norton is an over the top Ocker and the language he uses would be almost indecipherable for many non-Australian readers, although it does give you a fair idea of how Australians from the rural regions speak.

Les Norton is extremely politically incorrect. He's sexist, a racist and a thug bordering on criminal for some of the assaults he inflicts on others, yet he's the hero of the book. His brutality is glorified, as is his crude oafishness and at times the language is the bluest of blue. But for those who are after rollicking stories that allow you to stick your brain in neutral and pick up an occasional chuckle, this book will really appeal. The fact that it's the first in a series of (so far) 19 books will be even better news.